Last year I was really extremely glad that I had to weddings to attend or be in. I probably would have found a way out anyway. Weddings, to a person going through a divorce, are a little like attending birthdays for children who are as old as your child who died should be. It stings and feels like something is missing. In the wedding situation it also feels like a way to listen to all that you failed at doing. The words and vows that are spoken by the pastor are words and vows I took with my ex-husband. Those promises were made then, and are now broken and legally corrected to the new state of life – divorce.
Do not get me wrong, I like this new state. There is not a molecule in me that wants to go back, not even a little. I like my life and my freedom. I like my friendships and connections… and I love my lessons in this. Weddings, though, are still hard… or I guess they would have been very hard a short time ago. I am glad that I can feel the happy and excitement over the feeling of loss in those vows. Marriage is a big deal. I still see married people and respect their bond and trust and love. I see their friendship. I love it. I love seeing people share each other like that. This is a big step from the Erin of last year. That one didn’t want to see those things in life or relationships. Who knows, maybe I couldn’t see them. Maybe, just maybe it would have broken me to open and feel that then. I don’t know.
In recent weeks I have been to two weddings, two awesome and simple and real weddings. I have loved all the minutes and moments in each. Those weddings were both so different, yet were full of people who loved being there to surround a couple who is going to rock forever. In early May I was privileged to attend a wedding for a new friend who is light and kind and amazing, and also has given me much hope and love for the life to come. She married her second husband… and it was awesome. They just are so light and honest and respectful… they are so happy. I loved it. She gives me laughs and hope and friendship… her experiences have helped me understand and move and live and chug through some really hard stuff. It was an awesome night and…. There was a martini bar. My feet hurt for a long time after that night and my smile never faded…
This weekend my girls and friend and I attended a wedding for Madeline’s Godmother. It was not only a pristine place to be married, on a spectacular day… but it was refreshing to feel the forever in two people. For a long time I heard love songs and was bitter about them… but seeing this connection helps me to know that the part that hurt is softer now. It was a special day. I was extremely honored to be the Maid of Honor and tried to really do my job, right down to fixing the bustle at the last second and hopefully helping the bride with details. I was also pretty stoked to be back to a Maid of Honor… this one time a long time ago I was a Matron of Honor… <3. The bride and groom were nervous, but I know it was not for the marriage but instead the details of the wedding. I think it can possibly be stressful to feed over 225 people. I felt a lot of relief when I saw them just dance and enjoy their moments together. I felt a real solid happy for them, for their future. I love that feeling. Sometimes I feel that with my girls, a real solid piece of happy. It is almost a tangible feeling.
So, I guess weddings are not so dreaded… but instead I am starting to love seeing love. I am starting to feel happier with my now, for my future. Marriage is a big deal… I have known and believed that for a long time. I am starting to believe again, to know that real and honest exists. I look forward to the next wedding, maybe a cousin or cool friend could go all destination wedding… come on????