Working on my ‘self’…

Why is it that reading a ‘self help’ book makes being the best me sound so simplified? As I read the words I highlight and think ‘that makes sense’… ‘I know this’. Sometimes I can even hear myself helping others through challenges and saying just.those.things. The book is full of knowledge I already own, but I don’t use those skills well, apparently.

I have so many experiences and lessons to draw from, words from amazing therapists, faith and guidance from The Big Guy… what is holding my ‘self’ from doing life better? I mean I tell my ‘self’ today we will rock this gig- or if we fail ‘let’s just start tomorrow’… but me and my ‘self’ can’t get our shit together lately. It’s like one is always beating the other up, sabotaging the promise to eat better with baseball field fries or being too tired to do a workout…

I know that I am better and stronger and happier when I work out. I know that I feel better when my days have enough water and eat lots of veggies. I know that my brain is cleaner when I write regularly and read lots. I know that my soul is more whole when I make time for God and truth and love. I know all of this…

But here I am…

I am reading and reminding my ‘self’ that I am a badass… and that I need to get a handle on this amazing life God gifted me. I need to remind my brain and words to work on my ‘self’… and get my ‘self’ to a better, more confident, more badass, lovelier, more amazing job of being my ‘self’.

I find myself encouraging others all.the.time to self-talk. In the event of something very big or scary or emotional telling your ‘self’ that you have a job to do, you need to just do your job and try not to think of failing or worst-case scenario right then. Do your job. Go in there and do your job, you can reflect on it later. I know this works, I have done it so many times. I could never speak in public, it used to scare me. I would be so anxious and nervous that my stomach would be off and I would miss enjoying the moment. I would judge myself after and be angry that I couldn’t do it… then I realized that I could do it. I just told myself ‘do your job, you have no choice but to do this job’. It took away the cop outs and the much of the stress. ‘Doing my job’ has reaped a world of sharing and connecting people. That ‘job’ has allowed me to share what I have learned and experienced in grief, love, divorce and life in general.

It is so much harder to remind myself to do that, lately. It’s like I am out of the habit of self-care and support. I don’t think I meant to get to this messy place, but here I am. I am in the land of self-help books and reading the inspirational quotes in my cupboards. I am searching for the one’s that will make sense right now, the ones that will help build better pathways in my brain. Like I said before I know how to do this… it is just finding that self-balance I have been missing. So… self-help books it is, at least one about how I am a BADASS. Who doesn’t need to be reminded that they are a BADASS???

Life is hard. It is infinitely more difficult than I ever expected but is beautiful and joyful and gentle and terrible and funny and broken… it is all of that. I could never have foreseen my life being here, yet I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I wish I had three girls to raise and build- but I am forever lacking one. I am happily divorced but miss having more people at the dinner table. I live far away from my home, but I love the home I have made here. Nothing is how I imagined it to be… maybe I am a product of being in this spot right now- this messy place.

I restarted the book I started a while back- maybe now is the time to read it. Now is when I need the BADASS building and reminding… I am even highlighting and rereading. I am devoted to being a BADASS, that has a grasp on growing and building up this life. I was reading tonight and felt compelled to write and keep bringing you all along on this freakin’ messy journey, my BADASS journey.

Send pointers, advice, comments, reviews if you have read the book, etc. I love my Climbing Up The Polka Dot Clan…

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Spinning.

So today is Monday and I slept really well last night.  The house was really cold this morning and Amelia was so warm… I didn’t want to get up.  We slept in a little and then started our Monday off.

I headed to the Y to take a spinning class… I needed someone to tell me what to do today- I am pretty sure I would have let my feet stop running if I didn’t have accountability this morning.  So spin it was…

I was on the bike thinking about how tired I feel and how I just don’t have a lot of extra in me today, and I can’t even ‘fake it ’til I make it’.  Then I thought about what I was doing and I was pretty sure I figured out why I don’t love spin.  Honestly… I literally rode a bike that doesn’t go anywhere in a dark stinky room with no air flow… for one hour.  I couldn’t talk to anyone, I didn’t laugh a bunch at someone who jumped too much and had to run out and pee… I just sat on a bike and worked really hard to go.no.where.  I was going nowhere wicked FAST… I was going up fake hills, on flat grounds… I was standing, sitting, pushing up… all while sitting in the same.exact.spot and seeing the same.exact.thing and smelling the same.stinky.room.  So while I was feeling all dumb for doing the same exact thing and staying in the same exact spot (a likeness to my life)… I was listening to Christine’s words.  “Walk it out”, “Get it to where you can stand safely”, “BBBIIIGGG Hill coming…”, “Ok… 2 full turns up… 1/2 turn down”… sounded like tiny little pieces of advice.  So all the while I was going, going, pushing, peddling, huffing, speeding and working- and not moving anywhere fast… there were little bits of good advice coming at me.  Maybe they are not the advice that fixes anything, but rather just put into my brain to remember to expect to not know what is coming, prepare for life in the only way we can- with health, faith, trust and support… get strong for those ‘big hills’… and be ready when you go 2 turns forward and 1/2 turn back… be glad, in the case of living, that it was a 1/2 turn back and not 3 whole turns…

So… I left spin tired.  I was more tired and more energetic.  I knew I gave my brain a little workout and it benefitted.  I had 4 moments in that spin room that I wanted to text someone that had hurt me that I was mad, that at that second I was very mad and confused.  My phone was on the floor, I was busy going nowhere fast, and because of that I didn’t take 1/2 a turn back when I lashed out at the person.  I guess I was right where I was supposed to be.  I know in myself that I want the people who hurt me to get better… I am sure they know that hurt me.  I don’t want to feed the part of me that wants them to hurt more.  I want to feed the part of me that gets me healthier, better, stronger and more the ‘me’ I am made to be.

Now I must shower… because I have a playdate with one of my favorite, lovely and flowery Kindergarten teachers and her crazy pack of kiddos…

 

note to self- make sure you mix some running with your spinning so you aren’t always headed nowhere fast…

 

Advice (for all who encounter a person who lost their lovely special child)

I have seen a ton of posts and articles about what not to do or say and how to approach a person who lost their child… I was on a plane Friday night reflecting on the events in Newton, CT… and I sat down and hand wrote this list.  These are the things that I KNOW from my experience don’t help, aren’t supportive and are not the things to say to someone:

• Do not tell this person or family who lost their child you know how it feels (unless you have lost a child and then follow your rules and help them)… thankfully most people have no idea how it feels or what the world looks like for them now.
• Do not be the person who works to be associated with the person who died or the tragedy that happened… does it matter if you are so-and-so’s cousin’s best friend?  Unless you are working to help the family and the association is needed or of course you are grieving (but that can be quieter and less Facebook official)… just pray for the families and support their efforts to change the world or keep their special person in memories.
• Do not expect anything from the mourner… and don’t make them feel guilty if you aren’t the person they chose to share or hug or be around… don’t bug them with texts, calls, messages… don’t act surprised if they hug and console you and don’t cry… don’t expect it to get better or easier in a year (or any amount of time)… just don’t expect anything of them- just let it roll the way they need it to and be there when they ask.
• Do not forget their lovely- put their name in the cards you send and remember their birthday… find a way to include them in what you do… my biggest fear is that the world will forget my Madeline (the Christmas cards that didn’t have her name felt like a blow).
• Do not tell them how hard it has been on you, or that your child has been taking it badly and is very sad… they can not carry your grief on top of their own.
• DO NOT EVER EVER say “Everything happens for a reason”… “Now they aren’t suffering”… (or anything that kind of fits into those).  There is no reason it was my lovely and not yours- no reason.
• Do not tell everyone in the world how tightly you will hug your little ones and how much you love your own perfect little family tonight … because it freaking stings.  It FREAKING hurts… it rubs salt into a huge and gaping wound already there.  Please refrain from saying that and posting it on Facebook…
• Do not say “time will heal your wound” or “time heals all things”… something’s don’t ‘heal’… eventually I believe that my ‘wound’ and pain will become a part of my normal-not even gone.  How could 1/3 of the best and most perfect set of sisters be in Heaven and not here for me to see grow, touch, snuggle… and that can ‘heal’???
• Please don’t (now and as time goes on) talk or tell this person about your child or children that are reaching all the milestones that theirs should… even pay attention when you are in a group talking to a bunch of others… find another subject.  We are already aware that yours are losing teeth and writing notes and reading books and graduating from kindergarten… and though we never wish our journey on you it kills us to know what our lovelies aren’t doing… growing, laughing, smiling or learning…

So, I am sure I could keep going on and on, but this is a good list.  I guess it is a list in hopes that you will never have to be the one to compose a list, that you will never know what a parent who has lost their child feels about situations and words… and also that you are more aware (in my experience) of the things that trigger or cause pain…