There was a time when Birthdays were all about the building of years, adding on to our lives. As children every moment can be magical, as an adult magic is harder to attain. Birthdays are a day to feel special and magical, to acknowledge the piling up of moments. One day a person is 26 and the very next day they are magically 27 years old, it is a compilation of time. We count up, and acquire more and more years.
I have always loved my birthday, joking that I get a whole month since my birthday is March 30. I love celebrations and acknowledging the pile up of years. I really enjoy blowing out birthday candles in front of all of my people, looking at the number of years I have gotten to live on this planet. Reminding myself and others to enjoy aging… it is only a number and a successful life gets to stack on another year every.single.year.
I have been reflecting on many things this year, apparently this is a year of deep thinking for me. I started noticing a pattern since I turned 30, not the normal pattern of hating birthdays and not wanting to be 40. I started noticing that birthdays feel different altogether. It’s like all the years before Madeline died, I was counting up and acknowledging the pile up of years… the 25 to 26 to 27. After Madeline died, I feel like it is more of a countdown… a countdown of years until I am with her. I don’t think of my birthday as a stopwatch, but instead a timer…
I just acknowledge that there is a timer set for me, just as there was for Madeline. I have so far gotten many, many more moments that she did. Her timer was set for around 2000 days and I just celebrated around 13,500 days. I don’t get to know when my timer stops… but I do know that there was a shift in how I see time when she died. Time is different in so many ways for me here in the world After her Death. It sounds so morbid, to be counting down to an end, but it really isn’t like that.
Losing your child shifts so much of everything you believe and know to be true. Looking back on the ‘Before She Died’ time of my life I did everything differently… I took my health and my children’s health for granted, I took my life as a mom and wife for granted, I took time for granted. Her death has changed me to my core, even my celebrations. I am in this place of always being torn- torn between wanting to be with Madeline and wanting to be right here parenting my girls on Earth. I know for me I am always torn… and someday my time here will be done and I will go home, but before that time I want to see the work I have done building my girls, I want to be a kickass grandma and show them all the awesome bits of our family and Madeline, I want to travel all.over.the.place. It’s strange how you can want so badly to be in 2 places at once…
Today is my first day as 37, I have just let go of the time I spent in the 36 of the countdown… the countdown has shrunk. I like to think of the time left as a math equation like END minus TIME equals 37… (END – TIME = 37). I pray that 37 on this grand countdown is a good one, and I have several more adventures this year than last. I hope 37 is a year of change, a year of peace and a year of me building my life in a direction I love and am excited about. I think it will be, I am don’t with this timer being filled with time that feels like I am waiting for the next part.
Welcome to AGE – TIME= 37 Erin… it is going to be a fun, boring, hard, easy, slow, fast, joyful, painful, silly trip around the sun. Remember always:
Age is a privilege, not given to all.