Just makin’ plans…

Today I had Amelia’s Junior Meeting with her Guidance Counsellor at school- I went in thinking we would just be discussing grades, classes and anything we need to catch up on for senior year.  I sat down, and we got right to it, we talked all of the above AND college, SATs and prep.  BOOM.

I know these things are coming, and I know that it is all the parts of this age… I do know this.  That part makes sense.  The thing is, these are the exact things I don’t really know about, the things I am stuck missing.  There is a blanket of grief overtop those things, the lack of ever doing them for Madeline and the safety net that helps me move forward with my days.  I honor that blanket of grief, but I love when I feel it pushed back a little and I can feel the excitement that I should feel. 

I left the school EXCITED for Amelia, so excited for her future, growth and purpose.  I love seeing her focused on a goal, and planning a life.  What an incredible thing to watch… your child grow up to become and make plans.

I reflected a bit today, and realized that Amelia doesn’t often get to see me excited for a future.  I don’t enter that space often, it is something I need to work on and through.  She sees me live and love life, and cope with loss, and see the sunshine- but she does not see me plan far ahead or be excited for the future.  I struggle in that space.  For me, planning a future stopped on February 8, 2012.  I don’t know how to do it, or maybe it is more of I don’t know how to allow it in.  The future is a very unsafe space for me- it can disappear in an instant.  I don’t just grieve Madeline every moment- I grieve the plans, experiences, celebrations, milestones that I planned and imagined for her and for our little family.  I grieve things that happen – even ones that I actually get to experience.  I feel sadness for the missing parts in all the beautiful full events.  It is very strange thing to explain, and likely other who miss their littles can relate.

Today I felt utter excitement- I left the guidance meeting with a spring in my step and a little conversation with Amelia about pipe dreams.  I went home and listened to my peppy playlist, and I am keeping this energy going so I can be excited when she gets home.  Amelia is going to ball with a really nice young man- and she is going to look stunning and she is going to have the best time ever.  I am excited.  I am sad.  I love that the little blanket of grief is lifted a bit, and I am letting myself feel that excitement, not just fear.

I was bopping around on my Spotify playlist- and this song popped up.  I felt like it was a little message from Madeline- sending some excitement for her sister.  I bet Madeline can.not.wait for her sister to experience all of the things, and in her own way will find ways to be there for Amelia when it is hard- when the plans fall through, when the future stops or falls apart.  Take a listen :

Daydream – by Lily Meola

When we were kids in the backyard
Playing astronauts and rockstars
No one told us to stop it
Called us unrealistic
Then suddenly, you’re eighteen
Go to college for your plan “B”
What you want is too risky
Live for weekends and whiskey

We all got these big ideas
One day, they’re replaced with fears
How did we get here?

Darlin’, don’t quit your daydream
It’s your life that you’re making
It ain’t big enough if it doesn’t scare the hell out of you
If it makes you nervous
It’s probably worth it
Why save it for sleep when you could be living your daydream?

Thirty-one, waiting tables
She has a voice of an angel
Out of money and power
She only sings in the shower
All these things we say we’ll get to
Shot down by the reasons not to

Darlin’, don’t quit your daydream
It’s your life that you’re making
It ain’t big enough if it doesn’t scare the hell out of you
If it makes you nervous
It’s probably worth it
Why save it for sleep when you could be living your daydream?

So scared of failure that we fail to try
Turnin’ around before the finish line
Gotta fall for a minute before you can fly

So daydream
It’s your life that you’re making
It ain’t big enough if it doesn’t scare the hell out of you
If it makes you nervous
It’s probably worth it
Why save it for sleep when you could be living your daydream?

Why save it for sleep when you should be living your daydream?

The Difference.

Adios February. 

See you next year- welcome March (almost).  It’s a good day to be sunny and maybe a bit warm- a lil reminder that spring is coming.  We are wrapping up THE season, and moving along into the best.month.of.the.YEAR- putting away the weight of THE season.  It’s always refreshing to move into March- exiting the month + of grief, cold, missing and dark days.  To be honest, this year January felt like 100 days long and February was (is almost) over in a blink, time is funny like that.  It was a softer year than most… maybe THE seasons to come will be softer, maybe that will be the future normal.  This season was full of moments to dig in alongside lots of mini adventures that the girls and I chatted about Madeline, in a frank and real way that can only happen with teens and can likely only happen when you have to figure out how to miss someone a million new ways (as kids do).  I did the things that get me through- I moved and laughed and lifted heavy things and completed projects and tried to see lots of people.  Now we move on to March…

On Valentine’s Day, a picture popped up on my memories, a snapshot of us headed to Utica to have lunch with my sister, during Covid.  In 2021, we hadn’t seen her much since summer, so we were excited and dressed to go see Jo-jo and eat out.  It was exciting, I am glad to have a snapshot of that moment.  I can go through the reel of the day just by looking at it…

I looked at that memory on Valentine’s Day and smiled… then I looked at myself in my mirror (I was headed somewhere that day)… and just saw a different me.  I saw the fancy lipstick (Valentine’s Day is for fun lips)… my hair isn’t that different.  I am sure my outfit was similar- something black with my jean jacket or cardigan.  I am certain I am a few less pounds in the picture this year- but who knows.

The difference isn’t any of those things.  It is me, my whole self and energy.  I am the difference.  I looked at my self and just felt immense love both versions of me-  I see the difference.  I see it so clearly. 

The difference is healing… that first picture was me, doing the very best with what I had at that very moment.  I was awaiting hip replacement surgery and navigating that scary process.  I was dealing with reestablishing my self in the professional world- figuring out that I had to KNOW that I was valuable and creative and strong, my boss already knew that about me.  I didn’t have to prove it to her, I had to learn it for me.  I was figuring out life as a whole single person, figuring out who I am and what I want, not just leaping to safety.  I was momming my girls through hard stuff.  I was trying to be there for my sister as she was stuck figuring life out alongside the grief of losing a child.  It was a tough time, even when it was beautiful.  I honor that me, she got through a lot of shit and she saw light and love… and she sought healing… so she did, she put in the work and she tackled healing.

My 2024 Valentine’s Day Erin is almost unrecognizable to that 2021 Valentine’s Day Erin… we look the same, but I look at my self and see the work, the years of work and progress and growth.  I see my self learning to love all the bits and pieces of my self… learning to speak love to the broken parts, learning to gift grace to the embarrassing and ugly parts.  I continue to do the very best with what I have at this very moment – the thing is I have more to handle the hard stuff now.  I have MORE – more confidence, more self-love, more faith, more grace, more strength, more compassion, more boundaries.  I see that MORE in my 2024 picture- I have more of so much.  I imagine in a few years I can put another Valentine’s Day snapshot of my self in there and feel this same feeling.  I hope anyway… I hope I can be proud of my self for growing and changing, for trying new things, for doing more scary things.  I hope I see more light in my eyes, and that my cheeks stay big and smiling- and I hope love that version of my self as much as I love all the versions so far. 

This life is hard.  It is so beautiful.  I quite love it.  I am grateful for this 2024 version of my self, that made it through THE season.  I am proud of the work I have done, the healing and growth.  I have said it many times recently, this is my Laurel ERA (#iykyk), so I look forward to where that will bring me (watch out world).

Take a moment to look back on all the versions of you, and how you have grown and healed and changed… enjoy the days, seek the sunsets, look for the helpers, do the scary things (unless they cause death or something), choose healing and gift grace- do me a favor and add some of your own things… and let’s reflect and grow together.

‘Tis THE Season

‘Tis THE season

Not the jolly season, not the holly season… but it is my season, THE season.  I guess we could call it the season of grief, but it is kind of more than that, maybe the season of missing, or longing.  I guess too, it could be the season of acknowledging all the parts that are not here… not just my 5-year-old Madeline, but the lack of my 17-year-old Madeline.  It’s a chunk of time that I wander through all the what if’s…

I always know this time is coming- we could probably just mark it on the calendar- January 15ish to March 1- THE season.  It is a whole vibe here, I can feel in our family interactions, in the short icky gloomy days… I can feel in this weird way that I nest, just like I am prepping for a new lil’ one, I nest to prepare for the days of missing.  Our minds are incredible, in the ways that they work through things…

Nesting.

Sometimes I look around at all the ways that I work to create order in my home, life, schedule and brain… seeking a sense of calm in a world of chaos and lack of control.  Honestly, it goes against the natural order of my brain and habits, if you know me then you know this.  This is part of THE season.  I know now how to use this time wisely- to organize and purge and decorate the heck out of Valentines Day.  I know to tackle little projects and sort through the things… this is the 12^th time I have entered THE season– I am becoming a pro.  I know what to expect and where I will need support.  I know this season well, like we meet up every year and get through this together.  I welcome the last day of THE season the start of March- which brings about luck and spring and birthdays and just newness. 

As I reflect this year on the similarities and differences of THE season and how it impacts me, it feels different seeing and understanding how it impacts my girls.  It’s that clear reminder of what they are missing every day- and though dates don’t stick out in their brains they feel this time for what it is.  It really isn’t fair, for any of us, not that I would even think that life is fair.  For me though, I just know that I can get through my days, with a hope for the day I get to hug my girl, a day I hope is very far from today.  I got this, I don’t know how to live or mom any other way than this way.  I wish I got to see what kind of mischief Mads would get into, likely it would be pretty chill.  I wish I could see what kind of funny things she would text me… or hear her laughing and hanging with her sisters.  I don’t get that, so I just keep moving on alongside the missing, knowing that she isn’t too far away.

THE season this year shows how very tangible missing is to Amelia and Lucy.  They don’t get to know what it is like to have a big sister to guide them.  They miss getting to watch her test the boundaries and learn where the edges are.  They don’t get the taste of freedom that comes with having an older sister, driving to Target and little adventures without me.  My girls don’t get to have the safety net of Madeline, to bare the burden of my parenting mistakes and lessons.  They don’t have the protection of their big sister when things get rocky at school.  They don’t have her to navigate all the tricky stuff (things that I dread- college and prom and all the things in the future).  It sucks.  For as much as I can relate to their missing, I don’t know what it is like to lose a sister, or any sibling for that matter.  I am very blessed to have all 4 of my siblings- to still have my big brother to call when I get in a pickle (or a tiny accident), to still call my big sister when I need guidance on germs or raising teens, I can still call my little sisters or show up on their doorsteps if I need an adventure.  I even have my married parents, and they save my ass regularly from the weight of owning a home and trying to do it all.by.myself.  There are so many things that my girls go through and feel, things I have never had to.  I hope often, that alongside their missing and tough stuff, that they feel the love, understanding, faith and have space to sort through THE season the way they need to.

This season is a brutal one, mixed with the cold of winter and the additional missing in our family.  Most days I am just grateful to get to bedtime, that was how I got through earlier years of THE season.  I would just keep moving, and at some point bedtime would come, a day was a success when I just made it to bedtime.  I would focus on some little bits of nesting, and then just get to bedtime.  Many days that is my goal- just make it to bedtime.  It is a perk if the sun comes out.  It is a perk if we have a fun day and laugh a lot.  It is a perk if I move a lot in a day, seeking motion/action to get through.  We take the perks and we roll through THE season, I guess that is the way I have shown the girls to get through these days.  I create order and nest… moving alongside the missing.  I guess that is grief- moving alongside the missing. 

Here we are knee deep in THE season, seeking out March and spring, new energy, a softer time.  May all those currently or ever in THE season, feel comfort and peace alongside your missing.  May these days pass fast and at the end of THE season there is light and love and spring, maybe even some easy days.   For us, we will hanker down- laugh some, cry some, nest a bunch and mostly just make to bedtime.

… soon it will be March.

For now… nesting and creating order in the chaos.

Our Sonshine…

Benson Wilson Kirkby, our little sonshine, has been in heaven for four years.  It has been four years of talking about him, spreading CHD awareness and missing him.  It has been four years of wondering what it would be like to watch three little boys grow up alongside one another.  It has been four years of trying to offer support to my little sister and my brother-in-law while they navigate out the world with out Benson.  It has been four years of missing that incredibly adorable little man… and four years of knowing that Benson is with Madeline, a comfort and a pain.

It’s crazy that it feels like a blink ago, but it’s been 4 whole years.  We all went back to our homes that February of 2020, after saying our final goodbyes to our lil’ baby Benson, our world feeling like it had been exploded into pieces- and only weeks later the world as we all knew it fell apart even more.  We entered a pandemic, a time of fear and isolation… making many of those early moments of missing very lonely for all of us.  For our family there is a before Benson died and an after… a forever split in our history.  The world has never been normal since…

In all the missing and all the pain – there has been beauty and grace.  I love seeing and watching my little (almost not so little) nephews grow up and talk about Benson, draw him in pictures and bring him along on all of their adventures.  I love that my family talks about Benson, our Sonnie, thinking about him when we see dragonflies, number patterns, rainbows… and finding unique ways to honor him acts of kindness, tattoos and supporting other families.  His legacy lives on…

I know that for me, I am forever changed in this after Benson time… reminded of how important it is to live life well, to enjoy your moments.  I live this life with gratitude for all of it- the beautiful and the ugly, the perfect and the pain.  I focus on doing good and kind things- for my girls, my self, my family and beyond.  I have worked to have a career and work that impacts families like mine- to support families when they have to say goodbye to their loved ones and to help those awaiting a transplant receive that gift… there are little ones, just like our Sonnie, with zippered hearts awaiting that gift, and so many others.  We are forever changed… choosing to live life well.

On these days I take time to sit in the emotions, to dive into the missing.  I listen to the songs, I watch certain movies and go through pictures… I hope all day that my little sister and brother-in-law and little nephews have a day of comfort.  I think about this interaction from the movie Rabbit Hole often- Becca “Does it ever go away?” Her mom “I don’t think it does, not for me it hasn’t and it’s going on 11 years. It changes though.” Becca “How???” Her mom “I don’t know … The weight of if I guess. At some point it becomes bearable, it turns into something you can crawl out from under and carry around like a brick in your pocket… It can be awful, but not All the time. It’s kinda… Not that you like it exactly but it’s what you got instead of your son. You carry it around and it doesn’t go away. Which is… Which is fine actually.”

It is fine… it’s what we have instead- the missing shows the love.

Today we honor Benson, our little sonshine, our CHD warrior… we bring him along on our adventures, we talk about congenital heart defects, HLHS in particular- we wear red and blue.  Today we do acts of kindness to spread his sonshine… take a moment and read about Benson, and take a moment today to reflect on your days-

https://www.nny360.com/news/obituaries/benson-wilson-kirkby/article_c974448f-b7d6-54de-bad2-5a43c2c9a116.html

Glimmer Seeking…

I read somewhere, in the past year, about glimmers, and I can.not.unknow.this. 

Glimmers are the opposite of triggers, the opposite of things that bring you anxiety and stress.  From the moment I read it, I felt it.  I know this to be true, I just needed the reminder to seek them, to acknowledge them and to reflect on them.  I love glimmers, even the ones that look a lot like normal moments.

This life is CHOCK FULL of triggers, of cues to feel the pain, pokes through our strength that cause us to feel sadness, anger, anxiety, fear, stress… on any given day it can feel like an uphill battle to get through the triggers.  A long time ago… like a wicked long time ago, many lifetimes ago in the building of my self, I was a TA at the best elementary school ever.  I worked with kiddos who needed a little extra support to regulate their triggers- and the very first skill/training I had to undergo was checking my self for my own feelings and triggers.  I often rushed/sometimes ran to the space I was needed, and I would stop just before interacting and offering support and I would take a breath and check in with my self.  I needed to not be a trigger to those kiddos, what a good practice that has been for me and my self out here in the rest of my world.  I know very much so that I am triggered by disrespect, particular put downs and a strict timeline.  It is a huge trigger for me to plan ahead, to put lots of things on a calendar.  I know why I feel that fear- in 5 days EVERY thing I planned for my life and looked forward to disappeared.  I live in a space of spontaneity – which is trauma response/desire to not be triggered and a skill.  I know my triggers… and honestly mostly I can trudge through anything that triggers me, and mostly handle it with control and grace, but that has taken much practice. 

I have been actively acknowledging and soaking in the lil glimmers, and alongside those glimmers I have seen growth.  I imagine working to see the lil positives, is an effective method to tackle some of the hurdles and triggers- movement toward healing.  I love that this simple post and words, struck a chord in my brain and soul- and I see growth because I see the glimmers, the anti-triggers.

I feel lighter.  I feel less of the heavy emotions, or at least for long.  Glimmer watching certainly makes gifting grace and forgiveness much easier.  This year has been a year to acknowledge those special lil moments, reflect on the ones that hold me back and feel so heavy to carry and to remind myself- Self, you were made for something good, do good, get rid of what doesn’t serve you and your life to do good.  So I do.  I seek connection and lessons that are part of this path to do good.  I seek to grow my faith, grow my relationship with The Big Guy.  I work to be the best mom I can- trying to raise my girls to be full of grace and dignity and ready for this big, crazy, scary world.  I am working to continue to love me- all the bits of me.  Glimmers sure make all of those easier- and the more I see glimmers the easier it is to see more – the easier it is to let go of a trigger.  What a way to be…

I don’t ever mean to discredit others hard, or difficulty getting through things.  Honestly, I share because this practice has helped me heal and build my self better… I always feel that God made me loud and quirky for a purpose, that I am supposed to share, not be a gate keeper.  I remember WAY BACK WHEN I had Madeline, after a very long and awful labor – all of the sudden I was a new and very young mom in a foreign land (the 518).  I was sad and low, none of it felt like everyone told me it would- that it would be the best moment of my life, that I would feel this incredible connection to my new baby and I would be changed.  Those moments were marred with a traumatic birth, likely post partem depression and learning to be a mom- I realized at that moment that I needed to be a truth teller mom.  It was my job to make sure another momma didn’t feel like a failure momming in the hard moments.  Through the years that is what I work to do, share with hope that another doesn’t feel alone or trapped- or triggered.  I share today in hopes that maybe you needed to hear what a glimmer is, and maybe you can practice seeing them, and who knows maybe you will reflect and the act of seeking glimmers will change your world as it has mine.

… or maybe you just enjoyed a little Erin tangent, either way I send you hopes for love and light as this year progresses.

Here are some Glimmers from this week-

Welcome 2024

So, here’s the deal.

It’s been a minute, but it has definitely taken a minute (or 2 or 3… or 1,418,562 minutes to be more exact) to be here, to be ready to write again.  I think sometimes we all need to take some (or a millionish) minutes to kind of refigure it all out, to start rebuilding our self.

It’s funny how the words of those old and wise peeps are tangible and real now.  All those older folks who could reflect on how swiftly time moves, how life will go by in a blink.  I thought I knew it all back then, I thought for sure I was savoring it, and I thought that they were wrong.  I’ve had my share of humble pie… they weren’t wrong.  Life moves so quickly… those excruciating parts that feel like they will never end, time moves on.  Those joyful parts that we want to hold on to forever, time moves on.  It’s brutiful how it all works.  I love it.

These past millionish minutes have been pretty special, even though as I reflect there are so many moments that were ugly, painful, challenging, all of it.  I feel like life didn’t change; the hard stuff has kept a steady pace- but I have changed.  I changed AROUND it all… it has taken lots of self-work, along with lots and lots of grace, gratitude and healing. 

Welcome 2024, this new year came in quite quietly for us… me working, the girls enjoying snacks with friends.  It felt a bit like a normal-ish day… no sparkle, no confetti, no toast.  It felt ok, maybe even good.  It was like it was meant to roll in just like that.  Welcome 2024- one more year down. 

I have sat down so many times and started typing, only nothing really came out of those moments, those attempts.  It was like it wasn’t time yet… maybe now it‘s time.

It’s time to get back to my polka dot tree, to jot down my thoughts and lessons, to share the bits and pieces… it’s time. 

I’m currently sitting in the parking lot waiting to head into Lucy’s game, getting ready to watch my favorite basketball player do her thing.  I just got to drive into the Adirondacks with a good playlist and a wicked impressive winter sky.  I hung out with Amelia for a bit before heading out and had a funny lil conversation.  I snuggled my pup and made a pot roast and overnight oats… life is good.  It is so good.  I am right smack dab in the middle of raising teenagers- a time that I anticipated would suck, but it’s really incredible.  I am getting better every day at gifting them grace – the reward is seeing them start to become really cool people (though they listen to terrible music and sometimes act like hooligans). 

Life is good- it is really good. 

Welcome 2024- may you bring growth and grace, may you be full of adventures and laughter, may I recognize the moments and constantly feel gratitude for all of it.  Welcome 2024- I hope this year is soft on tragedy, and full of bliss.  I hope that I can sit down in December and smile big and know that this life is good, it is really good.

For your enjoyment- 2023 highlights:

Looking forward to life, adventures and reconnecting with those that Climb the Polka Dot Tree with me.

Es la Vida…

We welcomed a new member to our clan this weekend, a lovely and blue Honda Pilot.  I had been watching and watching and praying that when the right one came up I would know and we would meet, and it would be easy.  From the moment I drove her, I didn’t feel scared for the big change to come for a transition and scary paperwork.  I got all the details set and we picked her up on Friday afternoon- just in time to drive out to Mariaville for Horse Club and then back to Rotterdam for a Travel Baseball game… she fit right in.  I was driving home thinking of what we would call her, maybe Royal or a cool blue name… and then it just popped into my brain ‘and she shall be called Vida’ and poof just like that I knew that I had a new Vida to adventure with. 

I am kind of a collector of little signs and symbols and messages… tiny answered prayers and hopes in the weirdest places.  I thought that is was perfect that Vida popped into my brain… I thought about all that represents… Vida = Life.  I see her as a new life for me, a new adventure, a new direction… we are going to live la vida loco y Bueno y malo and so many different ways.  Wait until you all meet Vida… she has a moonroof and she connects to my Pandora so Stevie Nicks or Miranda Lambert or Mumford & Sons are only a click away… and there is space for our gear, for a catchers bag and folding chairs, reusable shopping bags and the dinosaur costume I still need to deliver to Betthany.  It.all.fits!

Today I got done with work in time to run Lucy over to warm up for her game and then out to the Horse Barn to pick up meme and get back for the game… and I just thought of how I really love driving her and how fun it is to blast ‘Bluebird’ driving away from the busy and bustling of Rotterdam to the barn.  I kept thinking… Erin you have not posted a pic of Vida yet, you should probably get her washed first.  I was thinking, though, we are not the shiny clean SUV kind of people… we are the lovey shade of Obsidian Blue and leather seats on the inside- with a light dusting of pollen, a smear of farm road dust and some baseball dust to boot.  Don’t get me wrong there are no wrappers or bottles in the car, and for the most part we keep it tidy with a little bit of hot mess.  I decided before baseball that I would do a quick post tonight and stick to my goal of writing and sharing more… and just like that God added a bit of comic relief to test my spirit.

Sitting at baseball one of the visiting team hit a nice high fly ball… and we all heard that sound… the sound only a baseball meeting the hood of a car can make.  I couldn’t see where or which car was the lucky recipient of an instant dent, with COVID restrictions we sit in BFE to watch.  I didn’t need to wonder long… Lucy in the Right out field looked over at me and said ‘Mom that one hit your car’… and just like that I had to make that split second decision BIG deal or LITTLE deal.  I told her don’t worry about it, it happens, and remembered my answer when the Finance Guy at the dealership asked me “SO… how long do you plan to keep this car?” and I answered, maybe a bit confused- “Forever… or I mean as long as she can be mine.”  I reminded myself that it is a little deal and finished the game. 

I kept thinking of my dad and his love for patina, for the life and the softness that leather gets with wear.  I value patina… the softness that comes from wear and tear, the story of the leather, or in this case the life.  I left baseball feeling like maybe Vida needed a bit of patina, a little bit of extra story for her adventures.  I shut the moonroof and the windows, grabbed the water bottles and beef jerky and locked her up… headed into the Musto home and our world of patina and stories, and sentimental and real… and thought…

Es la Vida.  Me amo Vida.

Es la Vida…

39… the last chapter of a decade

Somehow, I honestly don’t know how, I am 39 years old today.  I can still remember thinking that 30 was wicked old, and that 40 was like late in life… if only I could have told young Erin that she would blink, and a decade would go by.  I guess, if I was going to blink through a decade and get to the last chapter faster this would be the one to blink on through to the final pages.

Man my 30’s have been a CLUSTER ****… my 30’s have been a rollercoaster of broken and missing and joy and grief, a whole buncha’ numb and a lot of learning about me and my whole self.  I have so much to do, but I really have so much hope for this year of learning, growing, building and becoming me.  I am closing this chapter with a bang, be ready for many, many celebrations next year.

Rollin’ into my 39^th year with the windows down and my music blaring, stopping every once and a while to read up on some Anne LaMotte and Brene Brown… taking time to practice being grounded and getting my feet back on the ground.  I am pretty excited, and a wee bit scared- but that is the perfect combination for building better and adventuring.

This is a year for change and being brave… taking on new challenges in my work, working on my boundaries… and getting a new hip to get this body back into a functioning and less painful state.  As of June 4, 2021 I will be a Bionic Chick, and rock my new hip and big scar as I am able to adventure and hike and walk!!!  So 39… will be more than fine, more than ok, it will be transforming in many ways.

Thank you all for the way you carry through this journey- I plan to get back to Climbing Up the Polka Dot Tree, it’s been a while since I have climbed.  Thank you for the wishes and the love… I always appreciate it.  I love my herd, and I have missed gathering and laughing and connecting – but spring is here, and this final chapter of the hardest.decade.ever is going to be one for the books, or maybe just my book. 

Lentiest Lent EVER

Well hasn’t this been the Lentiest Lent EVER????  I mean Lent is a time of reflecting on those 40 days Jesus spent in the desert fasting, all the while Satan tempted and tested Jesus.  Lent is a time to reflect on that sacrifice… often times by fasting, giving up something special to you and abstaining from meat on Fridays.  I think that about sums it up…

Looking back, I really wish I had partaken in a crazy and loud and crowded Mardi Gras celebration on Fat Tuesday… preferably somewhere warm.  Let’s be honest, I freakin’ wish I had spent that time up to Ash Wednesday with some of my favorite people, drinking and dancing, collecting beads and stories… watching a parade full of grown ups in masks (I hate grown ups in masks…).  I wish I was twirling on Bourbon Street… then entering Lent, what I now know is the Lentiest Lent EVER, exhausted from all that fun.  Even thinking about that wish makes me excited for the time coming after this isolating time…

On Ash Wednesday I worked late and the girls were with Matthew, since I work in Albany, I googled Masses in Albany and headed to the Cathedral downtown.  I got there just in time and ran in, laughing at a funny meme someone sent about how ‘if you are a Single Catholic girl today is the day God marks all the Catholic guys’ and I definitely looked around that Cathedral to see if God ‘marked’ anyone for me.  I walked up the aisle and took my seat, the church was lit in a golden light, a bit coming in through the beautiful stained glass.  The whole church was wrapped in incense, it smelled like masses at Sacred Heart when I was younger.  I love mass in a big, very old church… especially when there is a full choir singing.  It was a lovely mass, probably the most warm and homelike in a longtime (little did I know mass would become an at-home-activity…. In only moments…).  Anyway, Ash Wednesday was the perfect mass, and I am so glad that I have that for the now… though I still wish I ROCKED out on Fat Tuesday… I was still so busy driving my kids to dance and basketball back then on Tuesdays I am sure New Orleans would not have worked anyway, right????

Then life moved and shifted and was pretty full in the ways that it is and blink – it was March… the best month in the whole year… my Birthday Month.  I celebrate for the whole month because… it is also St. Patrick’s Day and Spring and my day tops it off on the 30^th.  It is the best way to come out of the hardest month for me… and I knew this year March was going to be amazing.  I told myself that all winter… while I spent Thanksgiving with my sister and Benson, then we brought Christmas to Rochester for time with my family and our Benson… then New Year’s, a bit of lice, lots of cold and dark… but hey March is coming!!!  Then our world shattered when Benson left us for heaven and Madeline… more dark and hard February times… but good gosh March is coming.  We can get to the light… to the sunshine… to the celebration and spring and reminder that He suffered so Madeline and Benson could be enveloped by the Big Guy.  Alas… March has been the least Marchiest March EVER!

We had the smallest St. Patrick’s Day celebration, and the same tiny party for my Birthday… and now we are repeating a tiny party of the same 2 kiddos as I have eaten with a millionish times this spring.  The Marchiest March ever.

The funny, I guess we could call it funny, part of this Lent is that I chose NOT to give anything up this year.  I decided to take on something, something that is hard for me, not to give up something.  I chose to hold my rosary and say a decade of the rosary every morning, and beforehand talk to God and setting my intentions for that time.  All things that have been hard for me these past years… staying still, setting intentions, and keeping my mind focused in one place.  That was my Lenten sacrifice, a few minutes of time getting ready or working out to focus and pray.  Then the world went and took away like a million things I love!  I did not agree to give up hugs or friends or trips home or working at my cool standing desk with my awesome team… I did not give up going to Target and Hannaford and Michael’s and everywhere else I love to go… I did not give up my kids school day or Earth Day celebration.  I did not give up my big freaking Birthday Bash that I would have gotten to twirl and dance with my friends until the Uber takes us home… I did not give up Easter celebrations with my girls grandparents on BOTH sides.  The world changed this Lent, and it became the Lentiest Lent EVER!

The world changed… and it will, I hope, it will ultimately change for the better.  I hope that people take this time of sacrifice and different and hard and let it do the work… the big work.  I hope we become better humans through this, caring for others, maintaining our families and homes and dinner tables.  I hope we fill our lives with less… less distractions, less filler.  I hope we fill our lives with more… more connecting, more innovation, more creativity, more family.  I hope that we rejoice at the end of this Lentiest Lent and we have a resurrection of sorts, like a 2^nd Easter.  I think I am game for a 2^nd Easter in July… a time to gather and rejoice life and the amazing human spirit.

We have lost a lot in this… some more than others.  I try to do my part to make the smallest footprint for Covid to connect to, I try to support others in this.  It is a hard time, a time of sacrifice and pain, loneliness and loss for many, it is a time of reflection and missing… it has also been a time of Spring and weird little celebrations, togetherness and bits of poking and fighting, enjoying things we have and losing things we love… it is, as life always is, a mix of beautiful and painful- brutiful as Glennon says.  This Lentiest Lent has made me dive into a lot of emotions and missing… to hold them, look at them, smile or cry and figure out where to put them… a far cry from the avoidance and numb state I have lived for a time.

Tomorrow we rejoice… tomorrow ends, well technically, the Lentiest Lent Ever.  Tomorrow we rejoice the sacrifice and suffering that Jesus endured for us.  We will get dressed up, ‘watch’ mass, take a walk at June Farms, visit Madeline and enjoy a dinner that I ordered (and do not need to cook, yay me!!!).  The Easter Bunny will bring treats and hide eggs and inevitably spill his milk and leave a carrot mess on the table (he is kind of a jerk)… and we will celebrate.  It will be different but parts will be the same…

Officially Lent is over and we move on to Ordinary Time, but I think we could look at the rest of these Covid Times like it’s own ‘Lent’ and endure sacrifice and suffering… and rejoice at the ‘Easter’ beyond.  Enduring these Lentiest Lent times… to remember what is important in our lives, what we need in our lives and reflecting on the hard parts of this.  I imagine… the feeling of hugs and laughs and bonfires… I look to those times… joy, togetherness, connection, all of it.

Happy Easter tomorrow, may you feel the joy in this day even at an unfilled table with a makeshift meal… may you feel ‘home’ and connection in these hard times, may you feel a bit of rejoice!

Ice Storms and COVID Times…

Remember the Ice Storms of the 1990’s… for me the Ice Storm of 1991 is more engrained in my brain.  I was 9 years old, actually I was days away from my 9^th birthday.   I was about the age of my girls now, and I am sure I was rocking big ugly moon boots and mittens my grandma had knitted for me.  Those were the days…

It was my Grandma Connor’s birthday and we were at her house, enjoyed cake and celebrated, when we left it was dark and cold.  We lived 3 blocks from my grandparent’s house growing up, and for some reason when we left Grandma’s celebration my dad decided to walk us home and mom drove the giant station wagon home.  I remember the walk, walking across the crick bridge and through the Brown Mansion yard, down Brown Blvd and over Warren Street, a left onto Franklin and home.  I remember this eerie silence/sound, and I clearly remember my dad saying this wasn’t good.  My brain could not understand how ice sticking to the limbs was a big deal, so I just went home and to bed hoping for a snow day.

I woke up that next day to the most beautiful scene outside my window.  I stood in my night gown and looked out on the trees leaning toward the ground encased in ice, it was so pretty.  Everything was leaning and combining, and it was shiny and grey.  There was no school, best day ever!

I remember there was no power, and as I started to understand there was to be no travel.  The roads were full of power lines and limbs and danger, but I didn’t know that part.  I didn’t think of the essential employees out there navigating those dangerous roads to keep people safe.  I never really thought about the people who would have to fix those power lines and restore safety and electricity.  I never thought about those who had no back up heat or food for an event like this.  I didn’t consider the amount of money families lost when they could not earn an income, or the loss of business and restaurants.  I didn’t think of those lonely and chilly seniors at the home… I didn’t know to be worried, the grownups around me didn’t make me feel worry, and thankfully I was in a safe and loving environment with enough.

I do remember… being at my grandmothers gathered around a kerosene heater, playing card games with my cousins, listening to the scanner in the kitchen.  I remember that our family grocery store had to clear out the freezers and the food was split between the shelter at the Firehouse and other places.  I remember popsicles and food stored outside on my grandmas back porch stairs… and in that pile of food from the freezers at Brenon’s Grocery was a plethora of foods that my mom NEVER bought for us, super treat foods.  I remember enjoying my very first corn dog that day, and I remember Aunt Janes being in the kitchen at the same moment.  I remember my dad being out a bunch, helping people who had pumps in their basements.

I don’t remember one bad thing from that time, and I am sure there was plenty of scary and hard.   I remember togetherness and creativity and familiar.  I remember gathering and laughing, missing school after the initial time and looking forward to normal returning by the end.  I remember the day we went back to school… I remember the return to normalcy.

These COVID times aren’t the same in any way, these are more isolating and strange in many ways.  There is nothing outside my house, that I can see, that is keeping me home.  There are no downed power lines and heavy tree branches… but instead a virus that is the danger.  It is harder to stay isolated in a world where the danger is invisible… invisible until you see it and the terror it brings.  Those essential workers are on the front lines… fighting this invisible danger.  Thank God we have those front line responders… though they aren’t all the same ones from 1991.

I am working VERY hard to create that experience for my girls… that one day they will look back at these COVID times and recall togetherness and laughter, Facetime with family members, school work remotely, daily walks and adventures, art projects and cooking dinners.  I imagine they will reflect on the fact that they barely showered… and drove me crazy burping everywhere.  I imagine when they grow up they will tell their kiddos about the quietest St. Patrick’s Day and the year mom’s birthday was just 3 people and hopefully a zoom meeting with family.  They will recall the mission of delivering rainbows and supplies to our friend’s porches, the shear joy of Lucy when her friends left a care package for us- with hand sanitizer, toilet paper and wipes (a gift of sacrifice).  They will recall days of their dog being SOOOO thankful for COVID times… #perspective.

This is hard.  This is all so hard.  I remember in these COVID times that we can do hard things… we can.  We can get through this, and get stronger and more grounded in that.  We can try to enjoy things, slow down and embrace the togetherness in the distance.  In life I have found that sometimes being positive is a choice, a hard choice, but a choice.  I am looking forward to the end of this, to the embraces and the laughing.  I am looking forward to get-togethers and connection… but for now we do our jobs and get through this.  Someday… I look forward to knowing what all of this looked like for my girls and other kids.  Will this be their 1991 Ice Storm…