Working on my ‘self’…

Why is it that reading a ‘self help’ book makes being the best me sound so simplified? As I read the words I highlight and think ‘that makes sense’… ‘I know this’. Sometimes I can even hear myself helping others through challenges and saying just.those.things. The book is full of knowledge I already own, but I don’t use those skills well, apparently.

I have so many experiences and lessons to draw from, words from amazing therapists, faith and guidance from The Big Guy… what is holding my ‘self’ from doing life better? I mean I tell my ‘self’ today we will rock this gig- or if we fail ‘let’s just start tomorrow’… but me and my ‘self’ can’t get our shit together lately. It’s like one is always beating the other up, sabotaging the promise to eat better with baseball field fries or being too tired to do a workout…

I know that I am better and stronger and happier when I work out. I know that I feel better when my days have enough water and eat lots of veggies. I know that my brain is cleaner when I write regularly and read lots. I know that my soul is more whole when I make time for God and truth and love. I know all of this…

But here I am…

I am reading and reminding my ‘self’ that I am a badass… and that I need to get a handle on this amazing life God gifted me. I need to remind my brain and words to work on my ‘self’… and get my ‘self’ to a better, more confident, more badass, lovelier, more amazing job of being my ‘self’.

I find myself encouraging others all.the.time to self-talk. In the event of something very big or scary or emotional telling your ‘self’ that you have a job to do, you need to just do your job and try not to think of failing or worst-case scenario right then. Do your job. Go in there and do your job, you can reflect on it later. I know this works, I have done it so many times. I could never speak in public, it used to scare me. I would be so anxious and nervous that my stomach would be off and I would miss enjoying the moment. I would judge myself after and be angry that I couldn’t do it… then I realized that I could do it. I just told myself ‘do your job, you have no choice but to do this job’. It took away the cop outs and the much of the stress. ‘Doing my job’ has reaped a world of sharing and connecting people. That ‘job’ has allowed me to share what I have learned and experienced in grief, love, divorce and life in general.

It is so much harder to remind myself to do that, lately. It’s like I am out of the habit of self-care and support. I don’t think I meant to get to this messy place, but here I am. I am in the land of self-help books and reading the inspirational quotes in my cupboards. I am searching for the one’s that will make sense right now, the ones that will help build better pathways in my brain. Like I said before I know how to do this… it is just finding that self-balance I have been missing. So… self-help books it is, at least one about how I am a BADASS. Who doesn’t need to be reminded that they are a BADASS???

Life is hard. It is infinitely more difficult than I ever expected but is beautiful and joyful and gentle and terrible and funny and broken… it is all of that. I could never have foreseen my life being here, yet I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I wish I had three girls to raise and build- but I am forever lacking one. I am happily divorced but miss having more people at the dinner table. I live far away from my home, but I love the home I have made here. Nothing is how I imagined it to be… maybe I am a product of being in this spot right now- this messy place.

I restarted the book I started a while back- maybe now is the time to read it. Now is when I need the BADASS building and reminding… I am even highlighting and rereading. I am devoted to being a BADASS, that has a grasp on growing and building up this life. I was reading tonight and felt compelled to write and keep bringing you all along on this freakin’ messy journey, my BADASS journey.

Send pointers, advice, comments, reviews if you have read the book, etc. I love my Climbing Up The Polka Dot Clan…

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9 WHOLE days off…

What does a mom do with 9 whole days off, while her girls are away? I could just worry, but most likely they are fine… I could just mope, since they are experiencing without me- but honestly I experience much with them… or I could be in a rage for all the mean and ick and mad and bad that got them to this trip- but I am too light for that, I am too far from that girl who was mad. So… I just did what I do and filled it up, with a lil’ help from my friends, you know I get by with a lil’ help from my friends…

After swapping a night of going out for drinks for a movie (and there was nothing good playing…) the week started. I traveled home for a lovely celebration of life and funeral… then watched younger and cooler people (potentially just less tired and old) dance and enjoy a housewarming party. Sunday was just a quiet day with an amazing sunset and some family. I came home to a clean house, laundry folded, rug replaced, lawn mowed and more- I had some elves working up some amazing here. It was so refreshing and lightening to come home to a fresher and cleaner house. It was a really special feeling. So… my cleaning and organizing day became my pampering and taking care of me day… with nails, drinks with a friend, haircut and color, then dinner at my favorite place. I probably should not have indulged in the second blood orange margarita- but I felt invincible and I had a driver…

Wednesday was project clean out my car. I accidentally left the passenger car door open, noticed some birds that looked like they were straight from Cinderella- flying into my car and bringing crumbs out to eat… maybe not my proudest moment, but at least I made those birds happy. I shut the door, scrubbed the sticky booster seats and got to work on the crumbs… Finally it was time to get ready for Track Day with my girls. I was mildly excited (haha, or maybe VERY excited). I felt like I hadn’t seen my ladies in forever. Those girls (and a few others) were plopped right here in this journey for all the parts. So we loaded up and headed out, we were creative and had teenagers drive us up and paid them. I warned our driver, an adorable and young college student, that he would hear lots. He would learn lots… he could repeat anything he wanted – but no names. He agreed and we made a blood pact, joking (crap I wish we made a blood pact)!!!

Track night was amazing. We got to experience the Paddock at the Race Course… we got to kind of meet our horse and his owner. It was a new and fancy experience. Then we watched the one race we came for and headed out for way too little food, way too many drinks and DANCING that I wish no one videotaped. I laugh thinking back on the conversations and the singing and the dancing… I loved every second of it. I loved the best pizza after, the most delicious Saratoga pizza that let’s many women with no shoes eat… best.night.ever.

Thursday started a whole new adventure… after visiting the track for a bit of family time, I got a huge and kind gift of time and easy and relaxing in Lake Placid. It was amazing and special… simple and SOOOO NEEDED. The hotel was amazing and full of amenities, Lake Placid was full of adventures. We walked and ate, wandered and looked, sat and read. We ran and kayaked. I felt content and happy. I don’t know, sometimes, how I am gifted such amazing gifts in this life. When I am sitting watching the lake with one the best people in my life… just looking at some of the most amazing mountains, New York at its best and a lake that is freakin’ perfect… feeling satisfied and full and happy… you know that the Big guy is taking care of you. I know this. I am grateful and blessed… Lake Placid was one of my favorite adventures in a LONG time…

I ended the weekend in my girl’s favorite place, without them, enjoying some of my favorite family. It was easy and bittersweet. I loved getting many little kiddos on my lap for snuggles… my nieces and nephews knew how much I missed my girls. I could.not.wait.to.hug them… I could not wait to touch their skin and see their smiles. I missed them differently than I ever have. So… snuggling and seeing my amazing nieces made me happy/sad. Returning to Albany was bittersweet as well. I was excited to hug the girls but sad to end this week of adventures and me… I was ready to prep for school but dreading the normal and busy. What a weird chuncka’ feelings.

Seeing and touching and hugging the girls solidified my missing and my full when they are with me. It was such a mix- to hug them and wish they didn’t have fun, but glad they did. We made it to bedtime… and watched a movie in my bed (only my kids think a DVD in my bed on a ghetto tiny TV is cool…) Amelia complained a lot about being hot, having a belly ache, a head ache and was so restless. I brought her downstairs to get comfy, grab a cold cloth and find a spot to rest. Amelia, who acted so strong on her trip, broke down and told me she missed me so much but thought she shouldn’t tell me so she didn’t hurt me. She had a great time and loved time with her Dad, but came home and our house felt different (maybe clean doesn’t look good here…). She felt that my voice sounded different, my hair was changed… she wondered if anything was the same. I told her I am so glad she had fun, that I have terrible allergies, I will not clean as much as others did for us… and that she will never hurt me by telling me. That she should tell me so I can help her lift the heavy and the hard. I know it is hard to be gone from home, she and Lucy were so brave. 9 days is a long time… I am proud they enjoyed it. I hope, often, that they know I am safe and always here. I know she it held in for me…

I am so glad to back to our normal… even if it means cranky Lucy and Attention Seeking Meme. I love my chicklets, my amazing special friend and friends, my family and my herd. All are too good for me, all are too amazing. I enjoyed my 9 days. I have enjoyed every day since… not every moment, but every day.

Being Still…

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The sweet sound of running…

I had 2 good outside, sunny and strong runs this week.  BOOYAH!  (I don’t know if people say that anymore but there it is)

It felt great to feel the running again, though I am sure I need new sneakers.  This whole summer was filled with hurdles that I didn’t have the energy to maneuver and get over.  I had to kind of accept that running and working out were last on my list of survival for a while.  I lost most of my confidence in my work out, my drive to finish and my brain medicine.  I lost all of that.  I am having a hard time finding it again, but know it is still in me.  These runs were a step to finding that… a foot to ground, wind and sun and cooler fall air… a great couple of runs.

Today I let myself think that maybe some big goal is possible next year… looking ahead is really hard for me.  To think that maybe I might commit to a big and long race again is scary and exciting.  Today my mind travelled farther than tomorrow.  I think that is a big leap for me lately.  I am still mad at myself for acquiring an extra 20 pounds this past year… I am annoyed that I let myself and hope that a good schedule of good runs, strong workouts and time will help me send those 20 pounds somewhere else… I am hoping that with some of the confidence gained and goals my mind thought about I can start to use running as my brain fixer again and not food… see more of my people and less of my lonely Downton Abbey and Breaking Bad nights with lots of lonely wine… I hope I can start to find that me that had push, had fight, had motivation… she was a force to be reckoned with.

I always remember how proud Madeline was of me running… though she always told me she was faster.  She was very proud of my Marathon… I wish I had brought her to cheer me on.  I remember showing her and her friend Jack the week after my Marathon how far 26.2 miles were (Jack’s dad was running a marathon while I was driving them to a birthday party)… she was very impressed that I had run as far as we had driven for a birthday party… I miss my lovely little racer.  I think she would have done track or cross country… or swin team.  So many things I never did, she will never do either.

I am back my dear… back to your running mama… finding me… love you darling…